***My Rambling

Being this whole project is more of a therapeutic exercise more than anything, I've got to get my feelings out. It's slightly negative so viewer discretion is advised


I know a lot of people won't believe me when I say, I've got my emotions under control for the most part. There are times I slip but for the most part I believe that my emotions are my problem, and nobody else is to blame for my emotional roller coaster. Lately though, I've been slipping.... a lot.

This whole ordeal with my dad has got me locked in an emotional tidal wave. I think that maybe if I'm nice and I behave, he'll fix my car. Maybe if I don't talk to him he'll fix it, maybe if I talk to him, he'll work on it. Nothing seems to work!! Either way my car is not being fixed. The idea that he owes me over $600 and that I could have payed for a whole car between the money in savings and the money I gave him, or even be in an apartment right now, disgusts me.

I've tried and tried to give my dad the benefit of the doubt for years! "He didn't have a dad growing up," "He's a single father, cut  him some slack," "He works a lot, he deserves a drink every now and again." But now I have nothing, my reason for his lack of sense is from the 40 something years of drinking (ironic, huh?).

I don't know when I'm going to realize I'm fighting a losing battle. He has lied to make himself look better. He's lied to make me look worse. He's lied to justify his behavior. It's amazing to see how much a liar gets our of a situation. He's got $250, two car titles he shouldn't have, and buddy's to get him out of the house everyday so he doesn't have to work on the car.... AMAZING!

Me on the other hand, I'm told that I'm the bigger person, and that I should just keep doing what I'm doing and "keep your head up high," "things will get better." So far things are not getting better, on the contrary believe it or not. I'm getting screwed over.

I haven't seen my mom and days, but lately she's been asking how the apartment thing has been going. I know she understands and supports the whole apartment thing, (not so much moving in with Tyler) but if it means I get out of the house she knows. But it's frustrating to me that she's nowhere around for days close to weeks and then she pokes her head in and cares and then takes off again.

Another thing, she was so against Tyler moving in because the example it would set for Nicole....Nicole came to me this morning telling me that Tom had slept downstairs last night...... Really?

I'm scared out of my wits about moving out, but I look at this house and just see walls, a roof, and a couple beds. Obviously, I have some incredible memories with my sister here, but for the most part it just seems like when the four of us are here, it's just shallow and an empty feelings.