Pain

The phrase when it rains, it pours, why is it so inevitable; why can't it just drizzle? Most of the rain is on everyone else but I feel like I'm with all of them just soaking wet and freezing cold. 

I mean first I had to bear a very difficult conversation with Tyler, then my best friend Amber found girls on her boyfriends phone, my dad is still in a cage, and my mom.... just can't seem to get her priorities straight. Its just been one thing after another and everybody is hurting whether it be physical pain, or mental/emotional pain. 

All the presidential stuff isn't helping either. Ha!

I just don't get it, I've been fine the past couple weeks! I've been playing in Denver, pampering my self a lot lately and now its just right back to board one. The only reason I called Tyler was because he needed help figuring out the financing; but of coarse he brought in everything else and started talking and talking and talking. He said he can't forget me, he wish he could've been the one to make me happy, he can't eat, he can't sleep, he doesn't feel good...

I'm just sitting in my car going; what the hell?! We didn't have anything in common! Everything I loved he just saw as pointless, scummy, and most of all dangerous. But everything he liked and wanted to do, I just saw boring and pointless, and annoyingly safe. How was that going to work? He wanted the money, the flashy new toys, and I wanted authentic adventure. How would that have gone? One of us would have sacrificed everything and that's not a life to live! Another thing I wanted to know was, he didn't give up much to be with me. He still had his friends, he still had his games, he was good. I invested in his daily meals, my beliefs, I lost a good chunk of friends too, it felt like my everything, and he's still the one that's devastated, and I, if left alone; am okay. Why is that? 

Maybe I do fit in the heart breaker shoes. Believe me, it's far from my intentions but all I know is unhealthy relationships. So if I'm in one, whether it's me or them creating the toxicity, isn't it right to leave? Isn't it best to move on and hope that maybe one day they'll see it too?

I told my crazy person doctor (my therapist), about Tyler and everything that happened and how it only took me a couple of days to forget what it felt to be with him. And of all things to say, she tells me its a survival tactic for me. Because of everything that went on as a kid out of "survival" or instinct whatever you want to call it, I learned to forget. If I'm away from a person for a couple of days, I will forget what they look like, forget what they sound like, I'll forget how I feel about them. That goes for a lot of people, my mom, my dad, Tyler especially.

Ranting....Sorry....

The day after all of this. I was scrolling on Facebook and I saw a status written by my best friend that she felt broken, and I didn't want to be too nosy so soon, so I texted Beau, her boyfriend, and he said that he was stupid and fucked up, but picked something up today: an engagement ring. So me being me; I was a little distracted by the ring. But I messaged Amber yesterday asking what had happened and apparently she had come across girls on his phone that he was talking to, while she was pregnant up to a week ago.

It doesn't sound unusual, but if you knew the happy couple it would take your breath! I've never seen a couple as young as they are so happy two years and a baby later. They're a blast to watch! So when Amber found out she was hit hard (emotionally), and so was he, physically, multiple times. Even a couple days later, through text, I could feel how bad she was hurting and I can't say that I completely understand; but the whole getting the wind knocked out of you by getting rammed by reality. That I can say I understand.

I found this picture on Facebook awhile ago, and it was an eCard that said something along the lines of a best friend honeymoon. So I asked Amber if now would be a good time for that! And of coarse she agreed... So not this weekend but hopefully next weekend, we might take a trip to Hanging Lake and then do a spa day in Glenwood Springs. Cross your fingers we make it!

The thing that really sent me over the edge though is my mom (go figure). First of all, I haven't seen her in a good three or four days, and even if I do see her, we don't really talk much. She normally doesn't have anything good she wants to tell me, so for the most part we sit in silence. It's unbearable. I love my mom to death, and no matter what she does, she'll always be my best friend; but it kills me when she feels like she can't talk to me. I don't know what she's been up to for the past year, I only get fragments and a lot of details are left out.

 Today she freaked out so bad though. I was in my room and she was sleeping in her chair but she was gasping and freaking out in her sleep. Then all of a sudden I hear her gasp for air like she just submerged from someone trying to drown her. So I asked her if she had a nightmare, she was like yeah, and then she fell back asleep......

okay....

Then her alarm goes off like 35-40 minutes later, and she gets up and I still hear her freaking out, so I get up, walk into the hallway, and I see her in the living room, her hunched over, rubbing her arm, in tears trying to wake it up. People, my mom does not cry! And she was just crying, crying, crying, saying I can't get it to wake up! Normally I can get it by now! There's a spot I can hit, and it'll wake it up!

Then I lost it! I can't handle seeing my mom cry. Simply because she doesn't cry. Or if she does it's induce and it's over the thought of baby me in pigtails. I just don't know. I need to get out of here! It's way too difficult to watch my dad lose his mind, my mom lose her mind, and my sister..... I love her to death, but she's on a path to trailer trashville here, and it's getting unbearable.

I need an out!

New Years started February 1

I don't remember a lot of January (which really is fine) but January was summed up by the quote "when it rains it pours." My phone was glitching, my laptop broke, I broke down, then broke up with Tyler and now here we are....back in my parents house working three days a week. Yeah it's been raining freaking hard lately!

My phone really wasn't a big deal, it was more frustrating than anything else but when my laptop went out too, that's when I started to get nervous. I hate that I'm so attached to this thing, but between, writing, photos, and pinterest.... I'm a little attached. But in three weeks, I got a new phone, and my laptop repaired, I'm doing a hell of a lot better already. :D

Um in terms of Tyler... I love the kid to death and I always will. He's incredible in so many different ways, but it got to the point where I could look him in the eyes and see the same look I saw in my dad's eyes when he would lie, or manipulate me, and just listening to him talk his voice morphed into Chris's, and I'm not going to lie, it scared the bejesus out of me. So I shut down completely; didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to so much as hug him or hold his hand, and I told him I needed a break to find myself and he took it as breaking up, he freaked out and did what he did, and now I'm completely numb towards him.

It took every ounce of power in my will to pack up all my stuff from the apartment, knowing that I wouldn't return. At that point, I wanted to drop out of school, I wanted to quit my jobs, and I wanted to leave my phone somewhere and just leave. But, of coarse that wouldn't fly, and I'm trying not to do what my mom is so good at, which is running from her problems; but damn it sounded good. That attitude lasted long enough to land my butt in a therapist's chair.

My dad, or my mom for that matter, don't really believe in the power of a therapist, but I needed it. I was eating myself up over everything to where I couldn't sleep, and just wanted to give up. So I went online and met Susan Carter in Littleton, I read a little about her, and she was a therapist that was religious but also spiritual and that spiritual aspect is what caught me. So we emailed, and I had my first appointment last week, and I tell you what, just that hour I felt better. She listened to me, and saw right to my constant internal battle with myself and she wanted to help. She lowered my rate to $75 and wants to see me every two weeks now. It's weird though because ever since my first appointment I've only had one really bad anxiety attack, and after that nothing. I actually feel really good!

As of right now, school is my favorite part of the week. I go every Tuesday Thursday from 9 in the morning to 3:15 and just being in Denver is just like instant stress relief. I have an hour and half break after my first class and yesterday, a friend and I just walked the 16th Street Mall right across the street from school. I don't know what it is about Denver, but it's just a good vibe. I love the diversity down there, the tall buildings, the people. I don't know but it's getting harder and harder to come home. But I have a friend down in Denver so I'm down there everyday anyway.

So February is my official New Year! Because since February 1, I have control of what happens next. No opinionated negative Nancy thoughts coming from external forces. Its just me! But it's just me figuring out what to do next..... oh wish me luck!

I'm Trying Something New This Year

Tyler and I are both getting frustrated how whenever we have conversations, I don't have much to say. I listen to everything he says, and I try to come up with a response, but my mind is just blank. There's not too much that goes on, and it's making me nervous. I used to have so much going on in my head, but a lot of it just seemed irrelevant, and stress causing, so I trained myself to block it out, but now everything is blocked.

It's not only my thoughts that I'm losing, it's my emotions too. I've become so numb towards people in general, because it seems that every one of them are just too selfish to even consider how I'm feeling. I'm honestly not trying to portray a depressed lifestyle, because I'm not even depressed. It's more of a nonstop numb feeling and I'm trying to find out how to get back to me.

I see this similar to that movie Inside Out, that movie with the emotions, and the happy emotion and the sad emotion get lost in limbo looking for something, and all of the little girl's happy memories and sad memories were gradually disappearing, and her emotions were being consumed by panic, anger, and jealousy. I'm not really angry but panic and jealousy are pretty predominant right now.

To stay on track, with the new year, I'm going to try something new, and cross every limb on my body that it works: I'm going to start writing/typing/blogging more. I'm not one to know what to write about a lot of the time, which is why I don't write a lot, but I have put some thought into it and this is what I've come up with. (Some are lame I'm not going to lie, but I'm desperate).

One thing I would like to write and take action on, is getting back into what I used to do for fun. That's playing basketball, swimming, photography, and rearranging collages, spiritual zodiac, yoga, and school for sure, for sure.

Another thing that I think should help, is going back and accepting both my past and my present. I know this is a huge reason why I am the way I am. Reality doesn't phase me, because I don't like to accept how I have it, it's too much, or not the way I want it (again lame, but unfortunately very true).

Tying with the previous chunk. I really want to start thinking of where I'm at now and where I want to be. This could include mental wise, physical wise, personality wise just me in general. What I want to change, because I see that change is mandatory. I know I'm not at a good state of mind right now and that needs to change.

Lastly, for right now, I want to try to think about my future. Obviously I'm not going to have it all figured out, because as of right now I have no freaking idea, but I'm hoping with a little more time of trying new things, that maybe I'll find bits and pieces.

Here's to 2016!

Finding a Hobby

So Tyler's been telling me for months that I need to find a hobby to do in my spare time, and help calm me down in times of.....well just being overwhelmed, so while he was up in Glenwood Springs this past week, and I was off of school, I tried to find out what mine were....

Fortunately they all flooded back in the matter of minutes. He told me before he left to give cooking, crafts, coloring a photography a try because he knew that's what I used to do when we first started dating, and I had the attitude of yeah but I don't want to get into that stuff again.

However, with Thanksgiving, this past Thursday I fell in love all over again with cooking.

Friday morning, my three year old cousin, wanted me to color in her Princess Sofia book, and put some markers in front of me, and I mean who could resist that!? So I bought a 24 pack of markers and am craving another Giant Page coloring book!

Friday night, Nicole and I spent a whole five hours making Christmas ornaments and now I'm thinking about getting into crafts again, maybe start nerding it out again, with scrap booking or maybe flood my walls with memories, or memories to be. I don't know, I also really miss writing too, and apparently that could be tied in with the scrap booking.

Saturday, I went to the library, and picked out a book that actually sounded interesting to me, but only made it through the first chapter. But hey! That's a whole 10 pages more than I've initiated in a while!

As for the photography I never really lost my love for it, I just don't do it as often, because I like outside pictures, but hate the cold.....so that's going on hold for a little bit. But I did take these not too long before he left if it counts.

Oh! I also found out that I need to get back into basketball, because I love the sport and I miss playing it.

Point I'm getting at... Hobbies are so important! I wish I would have taken the year off after high school, just so I could work to save up money, and indulge in some free time I never had the opportunity to do at my parents house. My advice to anyone, if you live strictly by schedule when it comes to anything up through high school; do NOT go straight into college. I tried making everyone happy like I always do, and I regret doing that, I wish I would have waited even a semester.

If you do have hobbies no matter how small, how childish, how irrelevant, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE find the time and energy to do it, make time to do it! Because people like me who have to work to go to school so they can survive later on, don't have that opportunity as freely, and it sucks.

The Future!

Well to start off! I got the job! I now a part of the Bad Daddy's team and that was such a relief to hear! I start either the 19th or the 25th for orientation and from there its training for three week. The upside: its a baby step forward to more money; down side, is for those three weeks I'll only be making minimum wage. Upside is I'll still be working at Noodles in the morning. What about school you ask. Ironically enough the training is the whole week I'm out for fall break, so no homework, no test no nada.

School: Still the same B-C average, but I honestly don't care. Biology for whatever reason my grade is not moving. I have five assignments missing from months ago, but otherwise maintain a low B high C average and she has me at 400 points behind! I just sent email number two expressing my concern so hopefully this time it'll work.

There's a quick recap. Now the reason I actually hopped on today was because I went to go get school advising and left so overwhelmed.

I don't know what I want to do with my life. I love psychology, and would love to know more about it, but doing for the rest of my life? I don't know if I could handle that. Then I found out my biopsychology wasn't even a minor there. So my options are now:

• Create my own major minor: that has to come with a proposal, which is based on research of the skills, careers, etc of the field. From there the university would have to put together all my classes. It sounds like a good option but again I don't know if its exactly what I want to do.
• I could also, minor in Biology: that would require 6 extra credits than the average minor would require, and as of right now Biology is not my friend.
• Another option is get a bachelors in Biology in Arts: can somebody tell me the correlation between biology and art? I don't get the connection. But this area focuses on general biology, organic and biological chemical chemistry and plant and animal ecology. NO. THANK. YOU. I hated all that stuff in high school.
• Last of my options, which is the most I'm considering is getting the Bachelors in Biology in Sciences department. This includes more of human physiology, cellular and molecular biology, and zoology if I wanted.

Gah! If I knew what kind of career I wanted I would feel like I would have more direction but I don't even know what I would want to do. Helping kids, definitely! Child psychologist make on average is close to $70,000 and goes up from there. That could possibly work. 

Psychiatrist sounds like something I'd be into. According to Google, (don't judge) they diagnose, treat, and help prevent mental disorders; but they also prescribe and I'm not down for that! How am I supposed to give out drugs like it's a cure all when I don't agree with medications as a whole. Maybe I could try that though, mental disorders are the whole reason I wanted to get into psychology.... I just found out I would be looking at medical school! Man I really hope this path is the right one for me!

Looking through the career list psychiatrist doesn't sound bad. Maybe I'll aim for that and see if that works!

I told myself that if psychology doesn't work I would turn to neurology, well both require medical school. So it looks like I'm headed that way.... I guess I'll start minoring in Biology in Science and see where that leads me.

Catching Up

So, I was asked why I did only a few blogs and then stopped for four months, and I didn't really have an answer, but it was implied that I should continue, so here's a recap of the past couple months:

1. I quit my job at Corner Bakery, despite my love for the company. It took several months but after working about 105 hours in two weeks (between the two jobs) and still struggling with the Corner bakery GM, I finally just switched to Noodles and Company. Noodles so far hasn't been too bad, but there's only four people I get along with, the rest are just obnoxious hypocrites that love to hurt people, and it's getting old.

2. I did a little more homework on my "dream job" (and I use that term very loosely), and finally put in an application last night, and I go in for a second interview on Monday. This company is called Bad Daddy's and just to clear the name, not it is not a dance club! It is a burger bar place with a roof patio which considering it's still not completely built is so far my favorite part. It's kind of built like a Tavern for those of you who know it. So I'm uber excited, so cross your fingers, and toes! So far it's looking like I'll start off as a host, and then move to server, but Sean said nothing is in pen.

3. School! Three out of my four classes are going successfully! The fourth one is broken up into sections on my "report card" and all the averages looked fine, but then I saw her announcement that I was supposed to be at 440 points and I only had 106 points..... yeah no bueno. So, I sent her an email, and her advice was to just keep up from here so I'm really hoping I can pull out of this one. On the bright side, in a little over two months I will actually be attending school, and making friends, and moving up in the world. I get more and more excited the more I think about it! I'm ready to finally be an 18 year old college girl, living the college life, not online! I register for classes the 9th of November!

4. I have a scholarship meet up again on November 21, and as nerdy as it sounds I'm really excited. The scholarship is funded by World War II veterans and they all remind me of my Grandpa Willie (who died when I was younger), so I'm really looking forward to that.

5. My kitty: a brat! He his now six months old, still not neutered, and it's now becoming a necessity! He is ornery as all get out, and he's all over me all the time! As much as I love taking naps with him, sometimes I just find him to be a little unnecessary. He still bites and scratches like no other but it's funny he knows to be gentle with me so he just nibbles. We did get him a scratch post though! And he loves it, and he keeps the claws out of the couch for the most part so, good news there. And to top of his manly look, we got him a bow tie collar, with a golden fish for the template with his name on it! He has now reached Classy Kitty Status!

6. I guess the last thing to mention is Tyler and I. We've gone through a roller coaster ride the past couple month but many factors played into it. To put in perspective, I had to go back home for a couple days, just because I got so overwhelmed with him, the house, the school, and balancing it all. But after three days, and an hour long phone call (lame I know) we cleared everything up, and we've been actually doing so much better since. There's a lot more communication, there's more listening, there's just more talking, more movie watching, so that's been moving smoothly as well.

As for me! I see a new day to start fresh. My goal from here is to really start getting back to what I want to do. Photography, crafts (lame I know), singing horribly in the car, dancing worse when I'm home alone, and just getting back to living. All the moving in and moving out, and stabilizing has been so overwhelming, and my motivation to do anything just got lost, and so for the rest of this year and to start off the new year I want to start recuperating and moving on from here! Wish me luck!


Hopefully pics to come :)

Day One to Day Four

For only being four days in, this apartment is really starting to feel like home. Paul's mom, Shelley took Nicole and I shopping for the kitchen and my kitchen (minus food), is complete. We went to the Goodwill and just had a blast!

I now have baking pans, cookie sheets, mixing bowls, spatulas, trashcans for all three rooms, a dirty clothes basket, a noodle strainer, salt and pepper shakers, a small hanging mirror, shelves, everything! for $105! Saturday was Goodwill's "whole store 1/2 price day" so on top of the mega thrift shopping, our thrifting was half off! BOO YA!

My dad has come around on the whole moving out ordeal. I can tell he's still not comfortable with it and I completely understand, but I think he's relieved at the same time. This area is a pretty decent area, everybody keeps to themselves, and it is pretty locked up. I have three different keys, not including the mailbox key, locked up. Anyway, he did hook us up big time. We do have a couple necessities because of him, and I'm incredibly grateful.

I feel like a rant too much so here's some pics.....

Living Room and Kitchen: Mission Accomplished!