I mean first I had to bear a very difficult conversation with Tyler, then my best friend Amber found girls on her boyfriends phone, my dad is still in a cage, and my mom.... just can't seem to get her priorities straight. Its just been one thing after another and everybody is hurting whether it be physical pain, or mental/emotional pain.
All the presidential stuff isn't helping either. Ha!
I just don't get it, I've been fine the past couple weeks! I've been playing in Denver, pampering my self a lot lately and now its just right back to board one. The only reason I called Tyler was because he needed help figuring out the financing; but of coarse he brought in everything else and started talking and talking and talking. He said he can't forget me, he wish he could've been the one to make me happy, he can't eat, he can't sleep, he doesn't feel good...
I'm just sitting in my car going; what the hell?! We didn't have anything in common! Everything I loved he just saw as pointless, scummy, and most of all dangerous. But everything he liked and wanted to do, I just saw boring and pointless, and annoyingly safe. How was that going to work? He wanted the money, the flashy new toys, and I wanted authentic adventure. How would that have gone? One of us would have sacrificed everything and that's not a life to live! Another thing I wanted to know was, he didn't give up much to be with me. He still had his friends, he still had his games, he was good. I invested in his daily meals, my beliefs, I lost a good chunk of friends too, it felt like my everything, and he's still the one that's devastated, and I, if left alone; am okay. Why is that?
Maybe I do fit in the heart breaker shoes. Believe me, it's far from my intentions but all I know is unhealthy relationships. So if I'm in one, whether it's me or them creating the toxicity, isn't it right to leave? Isn't it best to move on and hope that maybe one day they'll see it too?
I told my crazy person doctor (my therapist), about Tyler and everything that happened and how it only took me a couple of days to forget what it felt to be with him. And of all things to say, she tells me its a survival tactic for me. Because of everything that went on as a kid out of "survival" or instinct whatever you want to call it, I learned to forget. If I'm away from a person for a couple of days, I will forget what they look like, forget what they sound like, I'll forget how I feel about them. That goes for a lot of people, my mom, my dad, Tyler especially.
Ranting....Sorry....
The day after all of this. I was scrolling on Facebook and I saw a status written by my best friend that she felt broken, and I didn't want to be too nosy so soon, so I texted Beau, her boyfriend, and he said that he was stupid and fucked up, but picked something up today: an engagement ring. So me being me; I was a little distracted by the ring. But I messaged Amber yesterday asking what had happened and apparently she had come across girls on his phone that he was talking to, while she was pregnant up to a week ago.
It doesn't sound unusual, but if you knew the happy couple it would take your breath! I've never seen a couple as young as they are so happy two years and a baby later. They're a blast to watch! So when Amber found out she was hit hard (emotionally), and so was he, physically, multiple times. Even a couple days later, through text, I could feel how bad she was hurting and I can't say that I completely understand; but the whole getting the wind knocked out of you by getting rammed by reality. That I can say I understand.
I found this picture on Facebook awhile ago, and it was an eCard that said something along the lines of a best friend honeymoon. So I asked Amber if now would be a good time for that! And of coarse she agreed... So not this weekend but hopefully next weekend, we might take a trip to Hanging Lake and then do a spa day in Glenwood Springs. Cross your fingers we make it!
The thing that really sent me over the edge though is my mom (go figure). First of all, I haven't seen her in a good three or four days, and even if I do see her, we don't really talk much. She normally doesn't have anything good she wants to tell me, so for the most part we sit in silence. It's unbearable. I love my mom to death, and no matter what she does, she'll always be my best friend; but it kills me when she feels like she can't talk to me. I don't know what she's been up to for the past year, I only get fragments and a lot of details are left out.
Today she freaked out so bad though. I was in my room and she was sleeping in her chair but she was gasping and freaking out in her sleep. Then all of a sudden I hear her gasp for air like she just submerged from someone trying to drown her. So I asked her if she had a nightmare, she was like yeah, and then she fell back asleep......
okay....
Then her alarm goes off like 35-40 minutes later, and she gets up and I still hear her freaking out, so I get up, walk into the hallway, and I see her in the living room, her hunched over, rubbing her arm, in tears trying to wake it up. People, my mom does not cry! And she was just crying, crying, crying, saying I can't get it to wake up! Normally I can get it by now! There's a spot I can hit, and it'll wake it up!
Then I lost it! I can't handle seeing my mom cry. Simply because she doesn't cry. Or if she does it's induce and it's over the thought of baby me in pigtails. I just don't know. I need to get out of here! It's way too difficult to watch my dad lose his mind, my mom lose her mind, and my sister..... I love her to death, but she's on a path to trailer trashville here, and it's getting unbearable.
I need an out!
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