I don't remember a lot of January (which really is fine) but January was summed up by the quote "when it rains it pours." My phone was glitching, my laptop broke, I broke down, then broke up with Tyler and now here we are....back in my parents house working three days a week. Yeah it's been raining freaking hard lately!
My phone really wasn't a big deal, it was more frustrating than anything else but when my laptop went out too, that's when I started to get nervous. I hate that I'm so attached to this thing, but between, writing, photos, and pinterest.... I'm a little attached. But in three weeks, I got a new phone, and my laptop repaired, I'm doing a hell of a lot better already. :D
Um in terms of Tyler... I love the kid to death and I always will. He's incredible in so many different ways, but it got to the point where I could look him in the eyes and see the same look I saw in my dad's eyes when he would lie, or manipulate me, and just listening to him talk his voice morphed into Chris's, and I'm not going to lie, it scared the bejesus out of me. So I shut down completely; didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to so much as hug him or hold his hand, and I told him I needed a break to find myself and he took it as breaking up, he freaked out and did what he did, and now I'm completely numb towards him.
It took every ounce of power in my will to pack up all my stuff from the apartment, knowing that I wouldn't return. At that point, I wanted to drop out of school, I wanted to quit my jobs, and I wanted to leave my phone somewhere and just leave. But, of coarse that wouldn't fly, and I'm trying not to do what my mom is so good at, which is running from her problems; but damn it sounded good. That attitude lasted long enough to land my butt in a therapist's chair.
My dad, or my mom for that matter, don't really believe in the power of a therapist, but I needed it. I was eating myself up over everything to where I couldn't sleep, and just wanted to give up. So I went online and met Susan Carter in Littleton, I read a little about her, and she was a therapist that was religious but also spiritual and that spiritual aspect is what caught me. So we emailed, and I had my first appointment last week, and I tell you what, just that hour I felt better. She listened to me, and saw right to my constant internal battle with myself and she wanted to help. She lowered my rate to $75 and wants to see me every two weeks now. It's weird though because ever since my first appointment I've only had one really bad anxiety attack, and after that nothing. I actually feel really good!
As of right now, school is my favorite part of the week. I go every Tuesday Thursday from 9 in the morning to 3:15 and just being in Denver is just like instant stress relief. I have an hour and half break after my first class and yesterday, a friend and I just walked the 16th Street Mall right across the street from school. I don't know what it is about Denver, but it's just a good vibe. I love the diversity down there, the tall buildings, the people. I don't know but it's getting harder and harder to come home. But I have a friend down in Denver so I'm down there everyday anyway.
So February is my official New Year! Because since February 1, I have control of what happens next. No opinionated negative Nancy thoughts coming from external forces. Its just me! But it's just me figuring out what to do next..... oh wish me luck!
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