Pain

The phrase when it rains, it pours, why is it so inevitable; why can't it just drizzle? Most of the rain is on everyone else but I feel like I'm with all of them just soaking wet and freezing cold. 

I mean first I had to bear a very difficult conversation with Tyler, then my best friend Amber found girls on her boyfriends phone, my dad is still in a cage, and my mom.... just can't seem to get her priorities straight. Its just been one thing after another and everybody is hurting whether it be physical pain, or mental/emotional pain. 

All the presidential stuff isn't helping either. Ha!

I just don't get it, I've been fine the past couple weeks! I've been playing in Denver, pampering my self a lot lately and now its just right back to board one. The only reason I called Tyler was because he needed help figuring out the financing; but of coarse he brought in everything else and started talking and talking and talking. He said he can't forget me, he wish he could've been the one to make me happy, he can't eat, he can't sleep, he doesn't feel good...

I'm just sitting in my car going; what the hell?! We didn't have anything in common! Everything I loved he just saw as pointless, scummy, and most of all dangerous. But everything he liked and wanted to do, I just saw boring and pointless, and annoyingly safe. How was that going to work? He wanted the money, the flashy new toys, and I wanted authentic adventure. How would that have gone? One of us would have sacrificed everything and that's not a life to live! Another thing I wanted to know was, he didn't give up much to be with me. He still had his friends, he still had his games, he was good. I invested in his daily meals, my beliefs, I lost a good chunk of friends too, it felt like my everything, and he's still the one that's devastated, and I, if left alone; am okay. Why is that? 

Maybe I do fit in the heart breaker shoes. Believe me, it's far from my intentions but all I know is unhealthy relationships. So if I'm in one, whether it's me or them creating the toxicity, isn't it right to leave? Isn't it best to move on and hope that maybe one day they'll see it too?

I told my crazy person doctor (my therapist), about Tyler and everything that happened and how it only took me a couple of days to forget what it felt to be with him. And of all things to say, she tells me its a survival tactic for me. Because of everything that went on as a kid out of "survival" or instinct whatever you want to call it, I learned to forget. If I'm away from a person for a couple of days, I will forget what they look like, forget what they sound like, I'll forget how I feel about them. That goes for a lot of people, my mom, my dad, Tyler especially.

Ranting....Sorry....

The day after all of this. I was scrolling on Facebook and I saw a status written by my best friend that she felt broken, and I didn't want to be too nosy so soon, so I texted Beau, her boyfriend, and he said that he was stupid and fucked up, but picked something up today: an engagement ring. So me being me; I was a little distracted by the ring. But I messaged Amber yesterday asking what had happened and apparently she had come across girls on his phone that he was talking to, while she was pregnant up to a week ago.

It doesn't sound unusual, but if you knew the happy couple it would take your breath! I've never seen a couple as young as they are so happy two years and a baby later. They're a blast to watch! So when Amber found out she was hit hard (emotionally), and so was he, physically, multiple times. Even a couple days later, through text, I could feel how bad she was hurting and I can't say that I completely understand; but the whole getting the wind knocked out of you by getting rammed by reality. That I can say I understand.

I found this picture on Facebook awhile ago, and it was an eCard that said something along the lines of a best friend honeymoon. So I asked Amber if now would be a good time for that! And of coarse she agreed... So not this weekend but hopefully next weekend, we might take a trip to Hanging Lake and then do a spa day in Glenwood Springs. Cross your fingers we make it!

The thing that really sent me over the edge though is my mom (go figure). First of all, I haven't seen her in a good three or four days, and even if I do see her, we don't really talk much. She normally doesn't have anything good she wants to tell me, so for the most part we sit in silence. It's unbearable. I love my mom to death, and no matter what she does, she'll always be my best friend; but it kills me when she feels like she can't talk to me. I don't know what she's been up to for the past year, I only get fragments and a lot of details are left out.

 Today she freaked out so bad though. I was in my room and she was sleeping in her chair but she was gasping and freaking out in her sleep. Then all of a sudden I hear her gasp for air like she just submerged from someone trying to drown her. So I asked her if she had a nightmare, she was like yeah, and then she fell back asleep......

okay....

Then her alarm goes off like 35-40 minutes later, and she gets up and I still hear her freaking out, so I get up, walk into the hallway, and I see her in the living room, her hunched over, rubbing her arm, in tears trying to wake it up. People, my mom does not cry! And she was just crying, crying, crying, saying I can't get it to wake up! Normally I can get it by now! There's a spot I can hit, and it'll wake it up!

Then I lost it! I can't handle seeing my mom cry. Simply because she doesn't cry. Or if she does it's induce and it's over the thought of baby me in pigtails. I just don't know. I need to get out of here! It's way too difficult to watch my dad lose his mind, my mom lose her mind, and my sister..... I love her to death, but she's on a path to trailer trashville here, and it's getting unbearable.

I need an out!

New Years started February 1

I don't remember a lot of January (which really is fine) but January was summed up by the quote "when it rains it pours." My phone was glitching, my laptop broke, I broke down, then broke up with Tyler and now here we are....back in my parents house working three days a week. Yeah it's been raining freaking hard lately!

My phone really wasn't a big deal, it was more frustrating than anything else but when my laptop went out too, that's when I started to get nervous. I hate that I'm so attached to this thing, but between, writing, photos, and pinterest.... I'm a little attached. But in three weeks, I got a new phone, and my laptop repaired, I'm doing a hell of a lot better already. :D

Um in terms of Tyler... I love the kid to death and I always will. He's incredible in so many different ways, but it got to the point where I could look him in the eyes and see the same look I saw in my dad's eyes when he would lie, or manipulate me, and just listening to him talk his voice morphed into Chris's, and I'm not going to lie, it scared the bejesus out of me. So I shut down completely; didn't want to talk to him, didn't want to so much as hug him or hold his hand, and I told him I needed a break to find myself and he took it as breaking up, he freaked out and did what he did, and now I'm completely numb towards him.

It took every ounce of power in my will to pack up all my stuff from the apartment, knowing that I wouldn't return. At that point, I wanted to drop out of school, I wanted to quit my jobs, and I wanted to leave my phone somewhere and just leave. But, of coarse that wouldn't fly, and I'm trying not to do what my mom is so good at, which is running from her problems; but damn it sounded good. That attitude lasted long enough to land my butt in a therapist's chair.

My dad, or my mom for that matter, don't really believe in the power of a therapist, but I needed it. I was eating myself up over everything to where I couldn't sleep, and just wanted to give up. So I went online and met Susan Carter in Littleton, I read a little about her, and she was a therapist that was religious but also spiritual and that spiritual aspect is what caught me. So we emailed, and I had my first appointment last week, and I tell you what, just that hour I felt better. She listened to me, and saw right to my constant internal battle with myself and she wanted to help. She lowered my rate to $75 and wants to see me every two weeks now. It's weird though because ever since my first appointment I've only had one really bad anxiety attack, and after that nothing. I actually feel really good!

As of right now, school is my favorite part of the week. I go every Tuesday Thursday from 9 in the morning to 3:15 and just being in Denver is just like instant stress relief. I have an hour and half break after my first class and yesterday, a friend and I just walked the 16th Street Mall right across the street from school. I don't know what it is about Denver, but it's just a good vibe. I love the diversity down there, the tall buildings, the people. I don't know but it's getting harder and harder to come home. But I have a friend down in Denver so I'm down there everyday anyway.

So February is my official New Year! Because since February 1, I have control of what happens next. No opinionated negative Nancy thoughts coming from external forces. Its just me! But it's just me figuring out what to do next..... oh wish me luck!

I'm Trying Something New This Year

Tyler and I are both getting frustrated how whenever we have conversations, I don't have much to say. I listen to everything he says, and I try to come up with a response, but my mind is just blank. There's not too much that goes on, and it's making me nervous. I used to have so much going on in my head, but a lot of it just seemed irrelevant, and stress causing, so I trained myself to block it out, but now everything is blocked.

It's not only my thoughts that I'm losing, it's my emotions too. I've become so numb towards people in general, because it seems that every one of them are just too selfish to even consider how I'm feeling. I'm honestly not trying to portray a depressed lifestyle, because I'm not even depressed. It's more of a nonstop numb feeling and I'm trying to find out how to get back to me.

I see this similar to that movie Inside Out, that movie with the emotions, and the happy emotion and the sad emotion get lost in limbo looking for something, and all of the little girl's happy memories and sad memories were gradually disappearing, and her emotions were being consumed by panic, anger, and jealousy. I'm not really angry but panic and jealousy are pretty predominant right now.

To stay on track, with the new year, I'm going to try something new, and cross every limb on my body that it works: I'm going to start writing/typing/blogging more. I'm not one to know what to write about a lot of the time, which is why I don't write a lot, but I have put some thought into it and this is what I've come up with. (Some are lame I'm not going to lie, but I'm desperate).

One thing I would like to write and take action on, is getting back into what I used to do for fun. That's playing basketball, swimming, photography, and rearranging collages, spiritual zodiac, yoga, and school for sure, for sure.

Another thing that I think should help, is going back and accepting both my past and my present. I know this is a huge reason why I am the way I am. Reality doesn't phase me, because I don't like to accept how I have it, it's too much, or not the way I want it (again lame, but unfortunately very true).

Tying with the previous chunk. I really want to start thinking of where I'm at now and where I want to be. This could include mental wise, physical wise, personality wise just me in general. What I want to change, because I see that change is mandatory. I know I'm not at a good state of mind right now and that needs to change.

Lastly, for right now, I want to try to think about my future. Obviously I'm not going to have it all figured out, because as of right now I have no freaking idea, but I'm hoping with a little more time of trying new things, that maybe I'll find bits and pieces.

Here's to 2016!